5-20-11_Peaceful Thinking_

As I look into the man made river I see no reflection with the feelings of knothingness, of failure. The water is running freely, the waves are flying by gently, as the water falls through the free cell of ones heart. I look up at the windows as the sky reflects by and I know that God is shining his lights but are blocked by the trees and the buildings, something is holding him back from getting to me. Right now (then) I'm (was) feeling nothing, no worries, just carefree with the headach of yesterdays and tomorrows problems but right wo at this (that) very moment, nothing. The trees are still watching me patiently for me to make a move, children laughing in the back and couples enjoying their time with God and the air is filled with laughter. I watch as the time goes by wondering if I will ever find that happiness to have the house with the pink roses growing by and the water flowing so freely. Patience is the way, God says to wait and trust in me (him) for you as the obliglee will have your time to shine, this has nothing to do with you but with me. The flags are not moving, the water is still, within the shodow my reflection I see iss becoming clearer what I mean to me. God knows his plans for me, i will wait patiently while finding my way that God will lift these burdens and I will say, Thank You God for allowing me to be here on this day, Amen!

5/21/11_nothingness_

Saturday was a day of nothingness, spending the day at my sisters with cousins and niece and nephew, laughing, resting, music with a wondering mind, thoughts of him, feelings of boredom suddenly a change in scenery erases the mind, clears the head, feelings are gone. I love the downtown area, it does something to me it makes me feel like i'm a new person with no worries, a continued "high."

Todays feeling

I don't know what life has in store for me, I'm helping these people, they lookup to me, I tell the information to help better themselves, tell them to believe in themselves but here I am Scared, Confused, Sad, Hurt, don't know which way to turn. How can I help these people and can't help myself, it seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, so many people expect great things out of me but I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared because I don't know where my life will end, I'm confused because I don't understand me, I'm sad because my life is falling before my eyes, I'm hurt because my relationship is ending. All lifes burdens are falling on me all at once and I can't handle it all. People may not tell because what I give them on the outside is not what's on the inside, I try to stay strong for my child trying my best to get my life in order, I know I have to try harder everyday and I will.  ;-) I try to keep in mind the poem Don't Quit, my motivater.